FAQ - General
It’s not uncommon to have some ambivalence about starting relationship therapy. Sometimes reading common questions and answers helps to ease the anxiety. I’ve compiled a list of frequently asked questions. If you have a question that’s not listed here, please contact me and I’ll be sure to get back to you ASAP.
How do I set up an appointment?
You can either call me at 619-550-8477, fill out a contact form, or click the BOOK NOW button to schedule an appointment. I will reach out to you to conduct a quick free 15 minute consultation call so we can make sure I’ll be a good fit for you and that I can provide what you’re looking for.
Do I need to fill out any paperwork?
Yes. Once you’ve scheduled your first appointment, I will send you a confirmation email which includes a link to your client portal. Click the link, enter a password, and you will be taken directly to your new client paperwork. Please complete all forms electronically at least 24 hours prior to your first appointment. Paperwork includes several consent forms, a questionnaire, etc and should take around 20 minutes to complete.
How often will we meet?
I work with clients on a weekly basis. Less frequent sessions make the work progress too slowly and then clients have difficulty reaching their goals. I take on a limited number of clients so I can truly give you my undivided attention.
FAQ - Couples Therapy
How many sessions will couples counseling take?
The length of treatment in therapy is usually determined by a combination between the type of therapy used, the client’s commitment to the therapeutic process, and the issues brought into therapy. For couples counseling, I use a relatively short-term method called Emotionally Focused Therapy or EFT. Assuming that the couple is committed to the process of therapy and uses the techniques discussed in treatment, therapy can take as little as 3-4 months. However, therapy is going to take quite a bit longer if there’s been an injury to the relationship such as an affair or a betrayal or if either or both partners have a history of trauma. In that case, therapy may take quite a bit longer like a year or sometimes more than a year. But, these are just estimates.
It helps to get a jump start on treatment by reading Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, by Dr. Sue Johnson, who created EFT. Reading this book or listening to it on Audible, helps to demystify the process of EFT and provides examples of couples who may be going through similar issues you may be facing with your partner. Another great way to expedite the therapy process is to attend a Hold Me Tight Couples Retreat in San Diego. This is a 2-day retreat, based on the book by the same name, and is designed to help guide couples through 7 conversations that foster bonding and connection. Most couples will still need counseling in addition to the retreat but the retreat can help to speed up your therapy, bringing you closer quicker, and saving you time and money. Due to COVID-19, couples retreats are currently on hold.
Will You take sides?
No. Couples therapists are trained not to take sides. We see the relationship as the client. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, we view the relationship dynamic or as we say “the cycle” as the problem, rather than one partner or the other being “a problem.” We believe that everyone’s trying their best to get their needs met and keep the relationship together so no one is seen as “the bad guy.” There may be moments or even whole sessions when one person gets more attention from the therapist, but overall, both members of the couple should be heard, understood and supported throughout the process.
Is it OK if I go alone?
Yes. While couples therapy is more productive if both parties are present, individual relationship therapy can benefit your relationship and help you identify where you and your partner are stuck. It’s not uncommon for one partner to refuse to come to couples counseling. In that case, I would recommend individual relationship therapy. Often when the other partner sees how much therapy is benefiting the relationship they’ll rethink their decision. So long as we have not had too many individual sessions, we can discuss moving into couples counseling. If I have seen you individually for quite some time, I’ll recommend another couples counselor and suggest we continue individual therapy simultaneously.
Is it OK if we talk about sex?
Definitely. Sex is an important part of romantic relationships and it’s important that we discuss your satisfaction or lack of satisfaction with your sex life, at your comfort level. If there are problems related to lack of interest or lack of fulfillment during sex it is often connected to your level of connection or disconnection in the relationship. That said, if you believe you’re having a specific medical problem, I’ll recommend you see your doctor or a specialist.
Will couples therapy save my relationship?
In short, I hope so. My job as your therapist is to work myself out of a job. I hope very much that the two of you reestablish the close, connected, happy relationship you both deserve. Most of the time, couples therapy works. Studies show that couples therapy using Emotionally Focused Therapy improves relationships for 75-80% of couples. EFT research studies find that 70-75% of couples move from distress to recovery through treatment and approximately 90% show significant improvements. Those are good odds. Can I guarantee that couples counseling will work for your relationship? No. But I sure hope so.
We’ve tried couples counseling before and it didn’t work. Why will it work now?
Many well meaning therapists offer couples counseling without any specific couples counseling training, not realizing that effective couples counseling requires different skills and techniques than providing therapy to individuals. So, if you did couples counseling before and it didn’t work, it’s likely that your therapist did not have specific couples counseling training. Another reason it may not have worked is that both partners may not have been ready to commit to the process. There may have been personal issues or addictions keeping either partner from participating in treatment fully or being ready to make the changes necessary. While there are no guarantees that couples counseling will work this time, it’s likely that if there’s an issue with your relationship, there’s a whole lot at stake so it might be worth giving it another go.
Can couples therapy help if there’s violence in my relationship?
Couples therapy is contraindicated (not recommended) when there is ongoing violence or threats of violence in the relationship. The process of couples therapy is about creating emotional safety in the relationship and that’s just not possible if there is not physical safety in the relationship. If there is violence in your relationship, it is recommended both partners work first with an individual therapist and get to the point where physical safety is restored prior to beginning couples therapy. If you are in an unsafe relationship contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) or visiting thehotline.org.